I was born bald.

Like my own baby bottom.

I didn’t grow hair enough for bows until around age three. Until then, my mom would tape little bows on my hair for photos. And constantly tell people I was a GIRL. Not a boy with pierced ears.

I’ve more than made up for it though.

Today my hair is this big, in your face, curly thing that causes people to say, think, and do things to it — and to me — that the average haired person has probably never encountered.

It’s cool. I’m old now and I get it. People are people, and people just say and do things sometimes that other people don’t get.

I’d like to make that easier for you though.

10 Things NOT to Say to People with Curly Hair

1. Can I touch it?

No. I kinda feel like a puppy when you do that and, as I have no desire to enjoy a hump on your leg, that’s not fair.

2. Is it real?

Yes. I think people mean “Is it natural?” here, but I still find this to be an odd question. I don’t go around asking people if they have perms. Or if their boobs are fake. Or if they got artificially inseminated. The authenticity of my hair (it IS natural if you must know) is kinda not your business, is it?

3. Where did you get that curly hair?

Genetics. It’s a science-y thing.

4. It’s just so big!

There is only one clear instance I can think of where this is an appropriate and, arguably, flattering comment to make. While speaking of my hair is not that instance.

Beastly is not how any woman wants any part of her person described. And for the record, if I accept it for what it is and stop trying to make it something it isn’t, taking care of it’s actually not that complex. For example, thanks to consistent care and maintenance of health, it takes me approximately 35 seconds to style my hair each day. Few people can claim that.

6. Whoa! Also, whoa! in another language.

This one is especially unfavorable when stated by the stylist at the salon you just walked into to check pricing. NOT getting my hair done there.

7. You probably wish it were straight right?

I mean, not really. Only now I kinda think you’re saying I should.

8. Have you thought about getting it styled?

Technically, this IS my style. It’s called curly. And, since I have it cut into a particular shape, with long layers and contouring, I’m not sure what you mean when you say styled. Maybe you mean, “Hi, your hair is unruly and exotic and that makes me judge you. You should change it so I can feel better!”

9. It’s so kinky.

These aren’t kinks. They’re curls. Totally not the same thing.

10. You should straighten it.

You’re not the boss of me.