Mother’s Day is one of those holidays that gets a lot of hype for not a lot of reason.

I’m a mom so I get why celebrating mom is important. After all, we love you when you’re at your worst and spend all of our days keeping you alive. Plus, I am all for being celebrated.

But, when it comes right down to it, no family seems to really be able to pull off a spectacular, entirely relaxing, all inclusive Mother’s Day.

Take my kids for example. Every year, they vow to be really well behaved as a treat for me on Mother’s Day. So many things are wrong with that scenario, but let’s just focus on why it fails so miserably. It’s hard to be something you’re not, particularly when you’re a kid. And not 15 minutes in to this charade they construct on my behalf each year, someone is getting punched in the back because of the stress of it all.

If there’s one thing that Mother’s Day shouldn’t be it’s stressful.

Instead of a relaxing meal and a quiet afternoon of additional relaxing, we often just wind up eating at Cracker Barrel after waiting 90 minutes for a table, and someone goes home crying because they got “dumb” on that silly little peg game. I’m exhausted, they’re unhappy, and no one even notices that I got a pedicure or had my hair blown out for the occasion.

I’ve decided the only way to fix this problem is to plan Mother’s Day myself. That way I can be certain that everyone is where they should be, when they should be, doing exactly what they should be doing, like every other day of their lives.

The Perfect Mother’s Day Itinerary Planned By Mom

6:30 a.m. Do NOT wake Mom up like you usually do. Go downstairs and get some cereal, turn on the TV, and busy yourselves without fighting for at least another hour. Two would be amazing. If you feel like you might be forced to bicker, move into separate rooms where you can not see, hear, nor touch one another. Play all the video games and eat all the Pop Tarts if that will help.

8:30 a.m. Bring Mom coffee in her room. Let DAD make it.

8:45 a.m. Present Mom with a card and a gift. These can be homemade. In fact, she’d prefer it. But, if DIY gifting isn’t your jam, try something from here: Top Mother’s Day Gift Ideas.

9:00 a.m. Let Mom shower and dress without interruption. No knocking on the door, yelling through the door, or peeking under the door for any reason. Play additional video games if this will help.

9:45 a.m. When Mom emerges, COMPLIMENT HER ON HER APPEARANCE. Say something nice about her hair, her dress, and her shoes.

10:00 a.m. Take Mom to Mother’s Day brunch at the place she made reservations at weeks ago. Agree to wear something other than basketball shorts for just this morning without making a huge deal about it. Use a napkin while you are there and do NOT punch each other for any reason. Video games can’t help with this, you’re going to have to keep it together for like an hour.

12:30 p.m. Agree to go for a walk in the park with Mom and pose for pictures without grimacing or being a jerk about it. Look at the camera, not at your brother, or the passersby, or your feet, or anywhere else that you shouldn’t be looking. Don’t pick your nose, stick out your tongue, or cry. Let her get at least 3 decent photographs of you and your siblings with her.

2:00 p.m. Go home and let mom nap. Or catch up on Scandal, or sew, or knit, or read Facebook, or whatever Mom likes that you usually interrupt her while doing. You should play nicely with your siblings, or independently. Now the video games can make another appearance.

3:30 p.m. Do something with Mom. Like play a game or read a book or help her bake cookies. Something that won’t require a ton of effort on her part or result in fighting amongst yourselves. So, maybe scratch that play a game thing and snuggle on the couch for a movie.

5:00 p.m. Cook dinner with Dad while Mom lounges on the couch. Cooking dinner can involve ordering pizza so long as Mom doesn’t have to do it. Just consult the menus of pre-approved food delivery establishments she’s left on the counter for you.

7:30 p.m. Talk your father into giving you a bath and putting you to bed so she can just come in and cuddle with you and then spend the rest of her evening eating cupcakes on the couch and watching Twilight while she dozes off.

Pull this off and Mom will finally have the perfect Mother’s Day you’ve been working on for years.