My husband and I have been movie lovers for always.

In our dating days we used to sometimes catch two in one day just so we could enjoy as many new flicks as possible.

Fast forward a bunch of years and throw in a few baby humans, and now going to a movie twice a quarter is a treat. Especially a grown up movie.

This past weekend, in a rare night of unanticipated freedom, we decided to catch our second film of the month: The Revenant!

"The Revenant," starring Leo DiCaprio

I’ll be honest when I say that I really, really, really wanted to see How to Be Single way more (you really cannot lose with Rebel Wilson); but, in a fit of be-nice-to-my-husband/I-wanna-see-the-film-Leo-may-finally-snag-an-Oscar-for I went ahead and saw it.

I wish time travel were a thing.

Then I could go back to that fateful night and tell my husband to let me live, take my $13 and my tub of popcorn, and do what I want.

Call me crazy if you want to, but I have to say that instead I spent my money—and what was the worst 2 hours and 36 minutes of terrible I’ve experienced in awhile—trying not to punch my spouse in the neck to punish him for his bad decision.

Let me convince you to not be me.

SPOILER ALERT: The Revenant

Brutally torn to shreds by an overprotective mama bear, left for dead in the frozen tundra of uncolonized North or South or it-doesn’t-matter-because-it-was-all-just-miles-and-miles-of-frozen-useless-human-less-ugly-sort-of-like-now Dakota after the people who clearly didn’t care much about him slaughtered his son, Mr. Glass (the dude Leo is playing in this based-on-real-events drama) decides to drag himself miles and miles and MILES to safety. Only first, he has to shoot himself in the neck to cauterize a wound, fight savage Arikara Indians, fight gangrene, fight wolves, eat abandoned carcasses, eat raw meat, fall into roaring rapids and then go over a few waterfalls, nearly freeze to death, nearly freeze to death in a river, nearly freeze to death in a blizzard, watch a new friend die, stop a rape, fall off a cliff on a horse that dies instantly and then gut it, get naked, and climb inside of its hollowed carcass for warmth, or something, climb more mountains, swim in more frozen rivers, only to finally make it back to a place where more people want him dead.

Seriously. Just die already.

The whole movie could’ve ended around the 45 minute mark if he’d have just let nature take its course and checked out with the bear incident.

Especially because according to Wikipedia, real life Mr. Glass didn’t even have a son to fight for and he winds up dying violently at a relatively young age anyway.

Probably I was supposed to feel inspired or in awe of his survival instincts, but really it was just hours of watching someone speak little and crawl and bleed and crawl and bleed and hang onto life and bleed some more.

It gets a massive double thumbs down from me.

And if you want to actually spend your money on something worth watching, go see Deadpool instead.

Ryan Reynolds is hot, Deadpool is hilarious, the fight scenes are engaging, the plot is exciting, the X-Men are in it, the villain is as sexy as he is evil, and the dude with the curly fro is the best sidekick on the planet. Everything about it was worth the $13 I spent to get in, and the three pounds I probably gained from all of the popcorn I ate.

If they gave Oscars for best superhero-who-is-actually-not-even-really-heroic-and-maybe-kind-of-a-douche, Ryan Reynolds would have my vote hands down. As it stands, I find myself reluctantly pulling for Leo (just because the man deserves a break and, honestly, he did an above average job with what he had to work with) while also wishing the movie he was potentially going to win for didn’t suck quite so much ass.

Only time will tell.

 

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